Dog Shit Research

“No lengthy, philosophical examination of dog shit would be complete without first pondering more existential questions like why dogs shit, and how. The answers may surprise and delight you. There are many interlocking components to the dog shit process. Food eaten by a dog (cupcakes, floppy disks, corn dogs, Vicodin) must first be processed into simpler, smaller elements suitable for delivery via the bloodstream to muscle and fatty tissue in the canine’s body.” Read full in-depth research of dog shit at rotten.com

A Short Guide to Comparative Religions

Taoism                                 Shit happens.
Buddhism                           If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam                                     If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism                  Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism                              Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism                           This shit happened before.
Catholicism                       Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna                   Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism             Send more shit.
Atheism                              No shit.
Jehova’s Witness            Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism                           There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science           Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism                      Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism                What is shit anyway?
Stoicism                              This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism              Let’s smoke this shit.

The buffalo Theory

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

In Case Of Anaconda Attack

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said: Continue reading “In Case Of Anaconda Attack”

History Of The World

History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. Continue reading “History Of The World”