“No lengthy, philosophical examination of dog shit would be complete without first pondering more existential questions like why dogs shit, and how. The answers may surprise and delight you. There are many interlocking components to the dog shit process. Food eaten by a dog (cupcakes, floppy disks, corn dogs, Vicodin) must first be processed into simpler, smaller elements suitable for delivery via the bloodstream to muscle and fatty tissue in the canine’s body.” Read full in-depth research of dog shit at rotten.com

Taoism                                 Shit happens.
Buddhism                           If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam                                     If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism                  Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism                              Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism                           This shit happened before.
Catholicism                       Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna                   Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism             Send more shit.
Atheism                              No shit.
Jehova’s Witness            Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism                           There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science           Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism                      Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism                What is shit anyway?
Stoicism                              This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism              Let’s smoke this shit.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went:

Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

The following is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for its volunteers who work in the Amazon Jungle. It tells what to do in case you are attacked by an anaconda. Now an anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It is a relative of the boa constrictor, it grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs between three and four hundred pounds at the maximum. This is what the manual said: (more…)

History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives. (more…)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: (more…)

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys took off running. The other boy took off after his friend. After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

“Well,” the boy said, “my mom told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard so I ran.”

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ‘There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ‘Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

‘Second,’ the professor continued, ‘you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. (more…)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 & Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected (more…)